Thursday, November 3, 2011

An open fly leads to a lunch tirade

"I made bad lunch choices today because the zipper on my pants was broken."

I bet no one has ever muttered that phrase before. But it is true. After shaking the dew off my lily this morning, I pulled up my zipper and boom, the whole thing fell apart. Not a good scene. I must have looked disturbing trying to fix the mess amongst the crowd in the bathroom. Even worse, I tried to see if my recovery plan looked OK in the reflection of the elevators at work and did a weird shimmy/shake to check it out. The security guards are still laughing.

Onward to lunch.

As we approached Wegman's this afternoon, I kept my hand dangling in front of my "mid section" with the hopes no one would see the goods. In retrospect, the odd dangling hand probably brought more attention to it, but I digress.

The lunch decision was a total rush job today because of my vulnerable state. I some how ended up with a slice of white, a slice of buffalo chicken and three wings (2 garlic and parm and 1 buffalo). Absolutely no logic whatsoever and it is hard to get in a good eating rhythm with those choices. Everything was off for me.

Meanwhile, Matt, Mr."well thought out" had a chicken sandwich with stuffing on the side and he definitely had his eating rhythm going on. I had major food envy but decided to eat on and be mature about it.

As a result of my "situation" (I am so pissed that any time I say or hear the word "situation", I think of that f'n clown from Jersey Shore) I was a bit on edge during lunch. The seating upstairs at Wegmans is perfect for people watching and I was ready to rip someone a new one to make myself feel better. It didn't take long to find the victim.

A woman with kid in tow was pushing her cart towards the register that said:

A quick glance at her cart and I counted at least 20 items. I thought about throwing a chewed wing at her but that would risk our daily trips to the greatest eatery in the world so I just blasted her to Matt. Seriously, are you that important and in such a rush that you can't obey a simple rule? I'll bet you're the same person who stops in the middle of an aisle in the supermarket during the holidays to decide which packets of Crystal Light you want to purchase while creating gridlock traffic all around you. And I'm sure you're also the one who interrupts my conversations with an associate at Home Depot because your inability to find a surge protector trumps my inability to find ... well ... everything.

Tirade completed and I felt much better and lucky for wife, I can still taste the glorious garlic.

Tomorrow I will get back my eating rhythm and all will be OK in the world. Until then ...


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