Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A message delivered in the men's room

Yes I know, it's been more than a month since we last posted. I won't make any promises as to when the next one will be, so enjoy this little ditty from Matt.


Maybe it’s fate or maybe just my life and the crazy things that happen, but I have to share one of the most embarrassing, funny and awkward moments that has ever happened to me. It happened just yesterday. Here’s some background first….

Up until November 2012 I lost a bunch of weight. I ate right, exercised and changed my life for the better. For 9 months I felt great. I had a schedule and followed it like a champ. Nothing was going to stop me. Well, maybe…

Once the holidays rolled around I reverted back to my old ways. Thanksgiving was the trouble maker and the trigger to start eating like I had a month to live. Since then I have put weight back on (the same weight that I worked so hard to take off). Not all of it, but enough for me to start to feel it in my clothes. The transformation of the old Matt was happening.

Well yesterday was a sign from God telling me “Are you gonna wake up or what?”. Yes, God spoke just like that to me. Yesterday I wore pants that I had tailored because I had lost the weight. Mr. Big shot walking into the cleaners “Can you please take the waist in on these pants they are just too big”. What a Loser. Little did I know a few months later I would turn into Fat Elvis (without the hair and looks of course).

Here is where the fun started and God spoke. I walk into the Men’s room (nothing disgusting here so relax). There is a guy sitting in the first stall so I go in the middle one next to him. I always like to be as quiet as possible. I unbutton my pants (they were snug to begin with so I was cautious), all of a sudden the metal slide button that buttons your pants from the inside pops and goes flying. It was like life all of a sudden hit sloooo-motion.

The metal slide button hits the floor and actually makes a loud “Ting” noise. I immediately say to myself “Oh God this did not just happen”. It lands directly under the guys pants sitting in the next stall. Now what? Do I put my hand under the wall and just expect him to hand it to me without saying a word to each other? Awkward! Do I say hey can you pass me my button back? Awkward! Is he cracking up laughing on the other side of the wall? Does he know who I am? Do we see each other leaving bathroom and I have to say “Hey sorry about the button”. Awkward! All I can do is think to get the heck out of there as fast as possible. However, now I have no button. I find inside my pants another button on the waist but it’s a lot farther away then the one that popped. Now my pants will be tighter then before. Damn Thanksgiving started this all. 

Now, I’m in the stall sticking in my stomach to button my pants on a notch that turns my pants into a kids size pants (well maybe not kids but you get the point). I’m now having to pray that this button doesn’t pop also and take someone’s eye out. I make it out of the bathroom not having to see this guy who may have my button somewhere intertwined in his pants or shoe. Ugh the thought and embarrassment. I washed my hands and run for the hills as fast as I can being as cautious as ever not wanting to lose my last button. I got through the day but never said a word to anyone except now. I had to. Was too funny to hold in (not my stomach, but the experience).

There you have it. Stick to your New Years resolution if it has to do with weight loss. You want to lose the weight, not your buttons!!


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  20. Here's my pants-and-bathroom dilemma:

    One time, when I was in first grade, I was wearing between pale and hot pink Capri pants, and, if memory serves, they were brand-new. At about midday, I had to go to the bathroom. I walked into the stall, closed and locked the door, pulled my pants down, and "went" (#1). Suddenly, the button at the front of your pants that closes up the top of the fly popped and fell in the toilet. No, I did not have a weight problem. In fact, I am slender for my age. I have two thoughts, but I am still not sure how this incident happened. One, maybe my legs stretched the button out a little bit. (Since I'm skinny, I've never bothered with the fly when going potty. I also, at that age, used to have my pants at an angle over my knees when going.) Two, maybe it wasn't sewn on properly. (This was Mom's idea; now I'm considering it.) Maybe it was for both suggestions. This is a puzzle seven years later; that was the only time it ever happened.
    Getting back to the story... Now I had my button right at the bottom of a yet-to-be-flushed toilet. I actually, at first, was not aware of what just happened. I just saw that there was a button in the toilet. I thought it was someone else's that had been there the whole time. (I had previously found a penny at the bottom of a public toilet before ever using the toilet. I went to another stall then.) I pulled my pants up and told my teacher about the foreign object, since it bothered me (and still does) to flush anything other than waste and toilet paper. She said to get back inthe classroom, and she would throw the button away. For the rest of that day, my pants (they were loose Capris, remember) kept slipping slightly, and I had to keep pulling them back up. Apparently, those kinds of pants don't work with just the zipper. When I told Mom about my loose pants on getting home, she pointed out that the button came off. My mind flashed back to the bathroom, and I realized what had actually happened.

    P.S. If I had seen my button pop in the bathroom, that would have brought up another problem: I would have faced the issue of having to reach into pee or walk around with a seventeen-year-old boy's pants, and possibly have them fall down. (Okay, maybe this is a little ageist, but I have many old teenagers in my area with sagging pants. I'm not saying they all do.)


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