Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Man Crush

During the most sacred time of the day (Um yeah, that would be lunch), John and I will definitely have your typical male conversation. Discussing the Housewives of NJ, ravioli stuffed with butternut squash and whatever new wonder food or remedy Dr. Oz mentioned on his last show.

But when we're not talking about all those masculine topics (stuff you would typically hear on a Saturday afternoon at the salon), we move into a territory that most men shy away from and discuss two words - "Man Crush".  Yes, we have the b@lls to admit it!

Man Crush
1. When a straight man has a "crush" on another man, not sexual but kind of idolizing him.

Yes, I admit it, I do have a few "Man Crushes". I'll start with the one guy who started us on this topic. If you had a thousand guesses you would never get it.

Name: Jason Cameron

Who the hell is this you may ask? - The show is called "Man Caves" on the DIY Network. I took notice one day when I was watching the show and heard in my head Bette Midler singing "Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I would like to be?". Because it was true, he was everything I wish I could be. This rugged fella knows just about everything when it comes to building something from scratch (Total opposite of yours truly). Knows every power tool, jigsaw, nail gun and then some. Not to mention the huge arms and perfect physique (which on the show goes totally unmentioned). If I was a girl, I'd have your poster in my room right next to Rob Lowe's.

Next up......

Name: Todd Zeile - Ex NY Met

Todd always struck me as a guy that had everything. The skills to be a MLB player, incredible head of hair, awesome 5 o'clock shadow (even better then George Michael in the "Faith" video), a calm presence about him and plus he was a NY Met. How could you go wrong? On top of that, since retiring from MLB, Todd's taken his dashing looks to Hollywood to start an acting career. We're talkin "Bromance" material for me!!  


Wow, didn't see this coming. I should let Matt go it alone on this one.

OK, fine, I'll bite.

Here's how this "man-crush" topic really started.

We were driving back from lunch one day this past summer and I was going on and on about my love of landscaping/gardening. I told Matt which shows I watch and he asked me about "Desperate Landscapes". I told him the show was beneath someone like me who already knew so much more about landscaping than them. He then uttered the following line that will stick with me forever:

"Did you see the guy (Jason Cameron - see above) that hosts that show? He is 'velorgeous'."

Now some times, we'll say things to each other purely for shock value. But this wasn't one of those times. He really meant it and even invented a word to express his feelings.

After I spit up my tandoori chicken in his front seat from laughing like never before, I came to realize Matt just made a bold move. He was comfortable enough to share the fact that another man was handsome. And why the f not. Please tell me we have evolved enough as humans/men that we can safely admit when another man is "velorgeous". Matt and I have and we have no problem admitting our man crushes from time to time. We are that damn evolved.

So it would only be fair if I shared my man-crushes with you all as well. Here goes:          

Henrik Lundqvist, New York Rangers goalie:    
If my wife were to leave me for him, I'd wish her well and just ask that they leave me tickets to a few games. Seriously, he is a star on my favorite hockey team, has a phenomenal five o'clock shadow (which I am incapable of growing), McDreamy like hair and a demeanor like the guy on the Dos Equis commercial. Am I right?

You know what, after I watched the show 24/7 on HBO, which went behind the scenes with the New York Rangers as they prepared for the Winter Classic, I realized I might have a "team-crush". These dudes are humble, play hockey for a living and are quite dapper. 

Take Dan Girardi for example:   
I'd sell one of my children for that jawline and cheek bones.

Or Brian Boyle:
Dude is 6 foot 8 inches, has phenomenal hockey hair that sits just perfectly even after he takes off his helmet  and again, has that killer jawline. 

So what do you think, are you impressed by our honesty or a bit uncomfortable? Will you start using the term "velorgeous"? Let us know.


Monday, January 23, 2012

Fashion advice

I lost track of what clothes/shoes were "trendy" back in 1994.

I've been wearing the same brand/type of jeans since Y2K.

Yes, my wife does most of my clothes shopping for me. I'm that guy. But I don't care, clothes mean so little to me any more.

Which brings me to today's gripe session. I cannot stand guys who wear trendy shoes. For whatever reason, it drives me mad.

To me, shoes are a lot like referees or umpires in sports. If you don't notice them, they are performing their job to perfection. If they look like like bowling shoes, I immediately question your sanity.

Take these shoes as an example:

I've seen a dude walk out of the men's room at work wearing almost these exact shoes. Are you kidding? I don't care if these are being worn on every runway or are featured in "Cool Guy" magazine, they're f'n hideous and you know it. You must be the type of person who wants to be known as "with it" and that means I'll never like you. I'm not joking.

Or maybe you have shoes like these:

Oh OK, I get it, you're "rugged, go hiking on the weekend guy" right? Go read GQ magazine and trim your eyebrows. Those buckles are a disgrace and so are you. I bet you even own a pastel colored sweater that all the young dudes are wearing today. Stop it already. 

I know, "Hey know-it-all, what kind of shoes do you wear?" Well, I'll show you:    
Now that is a classic, don't look at me shoe. I wear it with khakis and jeans and no one notices a thing. The way it should be. I can wear these for the next ten years and will never look out of place. I can spend my time on more important endeavors like fantasy baseball or playing Angry Birds.

I could not agree with you more my friend. The "Trendy Shoes" guy to me likes to show they are in touch with fashion and love to be different. I say "Ohhh good for youuuuu!!!!" They are also that same guy that loves to wear a lot of the other things I'm about to get into.

First, you have the "Cool Hat" guys. The guys that look like they have an Easter Bonnet on their head to me but act like everything is normal when they are speaking (while wearing the hat) and I should look at them as if nothing is odd.

The perfect example is none other then "Mr. Perfect", Tom Brady. Now we have to see more of "Mr. Trendy" and his "wanna be tough" rants on the sidelines since the Pats are going back to the Super Bowl. Ugh.

However, this look really sums it up for me. Like nails to a chalkboard.

Next you have the guys that wear their shirt half in their pants. The "Half Tucked" look or what I heard it being referred to as the "Shirt Mullet". Why? Who came up with this fashion trend that have some fashion wannabes walking around with a look that is simply sloppy and uncalled for. I guess they said "OK, lets develop a look that makes a man wear a horrendous looking belt buckle, tuck in just one side of the front part of his shirt. Put it in "GQ" or "Details" magazine and see if it sticks". Bingo! What do you know? It stuck and it has followers.

I am in no way the picture of fashion, but I hope they find that person who came up with this and make them watch the movie "Glitter" 30 times straight in a locked room. 
Jeans, T-Shirt and a Baseball hat on backwards is trendy enough for me!


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

TGAL: "Would You Do This?"

Hope you all had a good laugh listening to John rip on my very cool "Workout CD".

When I start looking like Tony Little (The pony tail guy who sells all the cheesy exercise equipment on HSN), you'll know what I'm talking about with having Paul Anka and Pitbull on the same CD!
Anyway, back to work after Monday off and unfortunately I was without my partner in crime for lunch. I could have gone out to lunch by myself, but I chose to stay indoors and visit the company cafeteria instead. Don't get me wrong, our cafeteria is not horrible, but it doesn't break up the day or make for any interesting conversations or walks for a chocolate bar in aisle 8 at Wegman's. Not only was the turkey on whole wheat a boring choice, but having to head right back to your desk to eat makes it harder then watching Dick Clark be a part of the 10 second countdown on "New Years Rockin Eve".
So to kick-off the week, you guys know how John and I love playing the "Would You?" game. So with that said ... John, would you:
1. Walk into the Men's bathroom and tap on the door of an occupied stall and ask "How much longer are you gonna be because I really have to go"?
This is an easy one.

I would do it for a large (I'm sorry, a Venti) Starbucks coffee and here's why.

The stalls at work do not allow the "user" to see who is outside the door. The only means of identifying the perpetrator is a view of their shoes. My shoes are so generic that I could easily slip away unidentified.

The best part of this would be the response indicating how much time is still needed. Do they say "Just a minute" or "Gimme five" or "Get the f out of here"? Any of those responses would be completely entertaining.        
2. Go to see a movie you have already seen, walk into a packed theater 5 mins after the movie started, go right up to the screen, turn to the audience and tell everyone the ending?
This one will require a significant amount of cash.

As I think it through, I imagine myself saying "Bruce Willis is really dead all along" or "Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze" and then the many hardcore psychotic moviegoers moving in for the kill.

Again, this would be really funny but difficult to escape from. Give me $1000 and a getaway vehicle and I'll do it.  
 3. Stand outside in the parking lot after work and hand out fliers that advertise a new car wash opening near your house?
This sounds easier than it is. Hand out a flyer and move on. But these are people I would see day in and day out and they would know me as the "car wash" guy. I instantly lose any credibility, not to mention the potential of getting nabbed by the long arm of the law; our building security team.

The last thing people want to deal with after a long day at work is someone selling them anything. So here are my demands:

1)Must at least have a coupon attached to the flyer - there needs to be some incentive
2)Guarantee me I won't be fired for solicitation
3)Give me $3500 and I'm in. That is a fair price for ruining all of the work relationships I've created.      

Tomorrow, I put Matt to the test.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The greatest "workout" playlist of all time

Today's post has nothing to do with eating lunch or Matt and I shopping during our lunch hour at Wegman's.

On the drive to lunch yesterday, Matt was telling me about a new music mix he put together that he uses while exercising/working out. He played each and every song for me during our drive and I knew immediately what the next blog topic would be.

I asked him to send me a screen shot of this iTunes playlist so I could then post it here and share my critique with you all.

Here it is:
Wow ... where do I begin? Let's walk through song by song:

1-4 Scenes from the Rocky movies - I expected this as Matt is a Rocky fanatic. I'm pretty sure he has a Clubber Lang poster somewhere in his basement.
5 - The Contender Theme Song - yet more Sly Stallone. OK, not bad, I get the vibe, you're imagining yourself as the "everyman" underdog. By the way, Matt's Stallone obsession extends beyond Sly. He is a huge Frank Stallone fan as well. Here's proof:
6 - Give Me Everything (Pitbull) - Now we start to steer of course. I'm pretty sure Matt just discovered this song within the past week and you have to ask yourself, how is that possible? It has been in heavy rotation on the radio since Memorial Day. My kids even know the lyrics by heart.
7 - Burn it to the Ground (Nickleback) - Oh boy. This is apparently a song played in the WWE which makes it's inclusion here that much better. After Matt does a set of hammer curls, I imagine him looking in the mirror and posing like this
8 - DJ Got Us Fallin in Love (Usher) - see song #6. To prove a point, I sang the entire song in the car during our ride to Wegman's. If you didn't know already, Matt and I are 19 year old's trapped in the bodies of 40 year old's.
9 - Stereo Love - OK, had to check YouTube for this one. You must check it out - Now try to imagine getting all pumped up to bench press while this is playing. Yeah, not getting it either.
10 - On the Floor (Jennifer Lopez) - Holy shit. We've now stooped to a very low level. I think I may need to reevaluate my lunch arrangement with this guy. JLo belongs nowhere near a playlist that inspires any sort of manly activity. This is all I picture in Matt's house when this is playing.
11 - When we stand together (Nickleback) - Next
12 - Move like Jagger (Adam Levine/Christina Aguilera) - I some times wonder if any music post 1986 can even play in Matt's car or on his iPod. This may be the most overplayed song of the past 6 months and guess who just now found it?
13 - Nothing on You (Bruno Mars) - Is this a mix to work out to or are we at the prom?
14 - Rolling in the Deep (Adele) - I can't make this stuff up.
15 - Someone Like You (Adele) - I don't want to do crunches when I hear this, I want lay in my bed, cry and then call Dr. Drew.
16 - My Way (Paul Anka and Jon Bon Jovi) - I couldn't squat 10 lbs while this is playing but this is why Matt is genius. No one would dream of adding this to a work-out mix but it works for him.

How can you not love this guy?


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What the hell is a "tablette"?

Today would have been the day to have a hidden video camera follow Matt and I around Wegman's. Even we were embarrassed as we heard ourselves kvetching. But we'll get to that in a minute ...

I've had a few stressful days at work recently so the lunch choice was easy; two "plain" slices and three wings. I can only eat carbs when I'm stressed and I didn't feel like thinking too much. Fold those bad boys up and crush them.

Matt and I then shopped a bit as we had some time to kill. Without saying a word to each other, we headed to the candy/chocolate aisle. 

We're in sync like that. 

Matt is obsessed with scanning the bar codes on all foods he purchases but for the first time, a product did not work. This product was some bizarre french chocolate bar. In order to properly calculate how many calories were in this "la decadente dessert" Matt read the label on the back. That didn't help a bit. If you look closely at the "portion" size, it is determined by each "tablette"?         

Is a tablette one square? Two combined? The entire bar? This was a critical determination and we debated it for several minutes while shoppers looked at us in disbelief. What the hell are these two buffoons talking about?

I'll get to the "tablette" topic in just a second....

Hearing John say he has to pick up a few things for home before we leave Wegman's is music to my ears. It not only makes lunch feel a little bit longer, but it gives me a chance to dabble around the candy aisle for a dessert I'll plan to devour at around 3pm at my desk. Yes, we are like two old lady's conversing and walking through each aisle looking for the "Sweet of the day".

Back at the office I always hate having to be the one when everything is quiet opening up something to eat while everyone else is typing away writing emails as if their life depended on it. Having to unwrap the packaging and making all that crinkling noise bringing attention to yourself really makes me feel like I need to be sneaky.

Because I could not make up my mind about any one treat, I bought dark chocolate, walnuts and 100 calorie packs of almonds. I will admit I never opened any of it. "I swear I didn't do it"

Yes, it is quite comical using a bar code scanner from a cell phone app to count your calories. I feel like a super market cashier every time I have to eat. I'm thinking of installing one of those self service checkout machine's in my house like they have at Home Depot since this seems like one of the best ways for me to keep track of calories these days.

Now back to the "tablette" situation. I was definitely thrown for a loop when this particular bar of chocolate was not scanning for me. What? Not possible, everything should scan right? Wrong. This sucker was some new fancy schmancy chocolate to hit the shelves and I was not a happy camper. How does this French chocolate company expect someone like myself (a professional bar code scanner) to know how fattening this is and how much a serving is equal to?

First of all, my personality and the word "tablette" do not go with each other, but I figured it was something new and I wanted to investigate a lil bit. What genius said let's write "tablette" and "2 servings per container"? Container? Who refers to a chocolate bar as container? (John included pic above). Ridiculous and frustrating.....since I really wanted to try it.

Anyway, due to the poor nutritional value labeling on the fancy schmancy chocolate, I was forced to go with my fall back plan and choose Hershey. Look how nice and easy they make it for their extra dark chocolate. "3 blocks = 160 calories". "Total Calories per Bar 440" if you are having a real bad day and eat the whole friggin thing. In this case plain and simple won.

See how involved a simple search for dessert can be? That's how we treat all of our food choices. Good times

I'll add one more item for today.

The most comical part of our daily trek to Wegman's and back is when we head back into the office with our purchases in hand. Anyone walking by can clearly see our coffee filters or our granola bars or our tartes or our French chocolate sticking out of the Wegman's plastic bags. Without fail, we get a second glance that screams "What are you guys, 75 year old ladies?".

Guess what? F off and go eat in the cafeteria.


Friday, January 6, 2012

A "Jersey Shore" review

Not ashamed to admit it, I'm a huge fan of the show "Jersey Shore". Knowing last night was the premiere of these knuckleheads coming back from Italy was something I was looking forward to for hours leading up to the show.

After a nice huge bowl of that Old f'ckers "Orville Redenbacher" Light Butter Popcorn (which in case you do know is only 120 calories for the bag - OH YEAH POP CORN HERE! - feeling thin just talking about it), I felt there were many instances of the episode that I could compare to both my life at work and outside of work.
The first thing that hit was when the cast walked into a surprise party thrown for them by Shore Store Danny. When Snooki saw "Jionni" for the first time since Italy, it was like when I saw my buddy "Johnny" after coming back to work from a long Christmas vacation knowing how much I missed our lunch routine.

Also, knowing how much Paulie D, Ronnie, Vinny and The Situation were dying to get home to go for their guido haircuts was another thing I could really relate to. Not that I have a full head of hair now (Um yeah hello, look at my avatar), but being a full all out guido myself (Take a look at that Bouffant on da bronx boy himself in 1990) I know how it is to not have one piece of hair out of place or touching my ears or neck.

With this serious look, you think MTV would have cast me? 

So, watching last nights episode taught me how much I could miss my routine with "Johnny" and the more things change (like whats on top of your head) the more they stay the same (by needing a trim no matter how much you have up top!).

Give me a minute ... I can't stop laughing imagining Matt (with a full head of hair) beating up the beat at The Aztec. He is a true guido to the core and I'm thinking there is a tremendous opportunity to create a new Jersey Shore-like show, but with old school guidos (between ages 35-50). I said it first, don't you dare steal that idea.

I too never miss Jers-day and last night was no exception. I find more and more that I really enjoy shows that I truly despise (huh?). Yes, I know the show is trash and has zero value, but don't you dare mock it. Only I am allowed to. Yes it is an unfair stereotype of young Italians, but it is also dead on. Get over it.

On to my critique of the season premiere:

I would like to focus on The Situation first.

I realize that he is exactly like both of my kids. Any attention is good attention. If he feels like he is being ignored, he'll do something stupid to remind you he is still there. Just look back on last season when he smashed his own head against the wall while arguing with Ronnie. Or his need to urge The Unit to spill the beans about what Sitch and Snooki did last summer.

This is no different than my son kicking me in the shins while I hug my wife or my daughter "accidentally" dropping all of her crayons while I'm on the phone. May Sitch's 15 minutes of fame dry up real soon.

Next we have Vinnie.
Last night, Vinnie bitched and moaned about missing home and that he "had nothing more to give". Really? You do realize you are making like $100,000 an episode, right? And you know that you have no discernible talent, right? Go ahead, leave the show and see what happens. Two words for you ... Jon Gosselin. How's he holding up these days?

Finally, let's talk Sammie Sweetheart.
Everyone talks about Snooki and how annoying she can be, but Sammie is by far the most difficult to watch. She takes vain to an entire new level. Watch any clip of her. Even when she is fighting with Ronnie, she has her eyes in the mirror and is playing with her hair. Last night, I hit rewind three times to show my wife how she was playing with her hair while all the girls were in the confession room. I am that passionate about my disdain for her. She is so consumed with her looks and I still say she is a poorer role model for girls than Snooki will ever be.

Did you watch? Will you never read us again knowing we watch such trash? We would love to hear your comments, both good and bad.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

We're back bitches

And just like that, the holidays are over and we're back to the grind ... but also, back to lunch. You'd think our routine might be a little rusty after a two week hiatus but we still have that shit down to a science. Just like riding a bike, you never lose it.

Matt walked over to my cubicle this morning and you'd think the first discussion point would be "How was your Christmas?" or "How did you celebrate the New Year?" You would be wrong. Almost simultaneously we said "How did you do in your fantasy football league?" We get right to the important things in life.
Yes, Fantasy Football is like having Christmas every Sunday from Sept-Dec. Don't know what else I would do with myself if it didn't exist. Anyway, after getting over the depressing Monday night before having to go back to work after a nice long vacation, seeing my buddy all ready to go to our "1 hour getaway" was a "Pha-nom-inal" feeling. Kinda like the excitement you get when you're out to eat and in the corner of your eye you see the waiter coming to your table with all the food you ordered.

While putting my jacket on, I noticed John had on this sweater that wasn't part of his usual dress code. I have to admit, it threw me. Don't get me wrong, it looked great, but just a few weeks ago we had this conversation -  "Do guys still wear sweaters?".

Leaving that conversation, I don't think either one of us really knew for sure what's in as far as sweaters go, since we both do not steer from our usual "outfits" (The same Dockers/button down or polo shirt). I knew I would make a remark about the sweater, so I told him him the only thing he was missing was a big letter "F" right in the middle of the shirt to resemble one of those rich a-hole characters you see in an 80's movie wearing a varsity sweater.

There was no doubt as to our lunch destination so we met up at 11:55 and silently headed to the car, frigid temps be damned.

As you know, I worship the ground Wegman's walks on. And today was a perfect example of them making changes that are "spot on".

One now has the ability to mix Asian, Indian, Italian, American, etc foods into one container of happiness and that f'n rules. I created an amazing cross cultural concoction that made up for all of the lunches missed the past few weeks. Pure over indulgence.

Getting myself an iPad2 over the holidays has me downloading every app ever made. One app that has caught my interest is called "Go on a friggin diet Matt". It's free, how bout that? Actually, the "My Fitness Pal" app has caught my interest and gives me something to track and an excuse to use my new gadget.

By the way, if you're in the market for a tablet look no further than the iPad 2. It is better than any other tablet. I messed around with way too many tablets over the past month and returned more devices then I care to mention.

Starting off the new year right immediately out of the gate brought me back to having some Salmon Sushi and my new favorite Tandoori Chicken baby! Wow that stuff is good.

As I approached the lunch table upstairs at Wegman's, I could see Matt was scanning the bar code on his sushi package into his phone. No person alive knows more about apps than Matt so I knew he must have found some new nutrition tracker. Classic.

Once I sat down and took my jacket off, Matt was eyeing up the sweater I had on. It was a quizzical look that screamed "Dude, we never consulted on your right to wear a sweater." In terms of sweaters, I have no idea what is in (v-necks?) or when it is even appropriate to wear a sweater.

The truth is, every "work" shirt I own is still waiting to be dry cleaned and I was unable to pick them up prior to today. No biggie, just put on a sweater and be done with it. Not that simple.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it looked like I was wearing my new "Christmas sweater". You know, the kind your parents made you wear after it was given to you by your grandparents.

"Look at me, I got this sweater for Christmas and couldn't wait to show the world." Shit, I must have looked like a tool.

Expect to see a steady stream of posts from this point forward as we are both rejuvenated after the lengthy break. Hopefully we won't bore you to death, but we have a lot to say.

Until next time ...
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