Monday, November 28, 2011

A Two Guys at Lunch Thanksgiving

We've been lax in our posting with the holiday upsetting our routine, but we are back and better than before.

Today is a chance for us to share our Thanksgiving thoughts with you before we reunite at Wegman's tomorrow.

Here we go:

Brace yourself before reading the following statement:

The Thanksgiving Day turkey is the most overrated food in the history of mankind.

Think about it. For all of the effort required to roast/grill the SOB (this year we defrosted our turkey in the bathtub, no lie) it really doesn't taste all that great.
You can stick celery or lemons up the bird's ass or smother it in butter and it still tastes the same way - dry and relatively tasteless. You know it, I know it, we are all just afraid to admit it because it seems equivalent to burning the flag.

Of course, I still eat a massive amount of turkey on Thanksgiving (smothered in gravy) just so I can participate in all of the tryptophan discussions. Each and every year someone you know will bring it up like it hasn't been a topic a thousand times before. I get it, you're tired and the turkey is to blame. Let me guess, you also drink red wine because it is filled with antioxidants? Wow, you are a pillar of important "current" information.

Speaking of wine, when I think of Thanksgiving, I think of dehydration. Trapped indoors, drinking wine from 10:00 AM on, a roaring fire burning and turkey all lead to a dryness in the mouth like no other day of the year. I have made it a point to drink a ton of water throughout the day with the occasional trip outside to make sure I'm not face down in front of the entire family. That would suck.

All in all though, Thanksgiving was a lot of fun this year. I still enjoy the Macy's Day Parade like I did when I was 8 years old and the kids loved it as well. Next year, my wife and I have vowed to make it into Manhattan to see it live even if that means we have to wear diapers to survive the crowds and lack of public restrooms.

We cut back dramatically on the "apps" this year and started things off with butternut squash/apple soup along with maple bacon and croutons. It rocked and we're still eating it.

We had your standard "sides" along with sweet potato casserole and corn casserole (with jalapenos). I don't know this for sure and don't take my word for it, but I believe that you either love sweet potatoes or you hate them. There is no middle ground and it may in fact be genetic. I'll have to google that and get back to you.

And finally, I have to admit I committed a major infraction this year and I should have known better. Dessert  should only consist of pies and nothing else. Pumpkin cheesecake may be the only exception. I screwed up royally when I bought a peanut butter cup cheesecake from a colleague at work and added it to the dessert menu. While it tasted fine, I think I felt a collective "what the f" from everyone at our house when we put it out. It just doesn't fit; kind of like having pumpkin pie at a barbecue in the summer. Lesson learned and it won't happen again.

Hello Hello! I’m back in action here on a Wednesday afternoon and looking forward to catching up with everyone! Let’s jump right in…

For starters, I had a very quiet Thanksgiving. We spent the day with my wife’s family just relaxing, eating and having a few laughs as always.

It’s one of those days where I can rationalize “It’s OK” eating mashed potatoes, stuffing and corn casserole all on one plate. The thought of eating carbs on top of carbs never entered my mind because it was “Thanksgiving” and the calories don’t count. Let’s put it this way, the only thing I was missing was a potato sandwich.
After piling it all on and covering every space of my plate with some sort of sugar or salted carb, I headed back to my seat to get down to business. As my shirt got tighter and the buttons pushed out (not from muscles), I felt like I was going through the transformation of Professor Klumps. But all was good knowing I had the next few days off to recover. Ahhhhh the feeling.

Over the next few days I watched a documentary on how this guy lost a ton of weight just juicing his food so I decided to experiment. On to “Whole Foods Market” for some healthy stuff. As I entered the produce aisle I could not resist taking this picture of these peppers so colorful and perfectly stacked (sounds funny but true), it made me want to call Dr. Oz and hear him say “Matt, I’m proud of you”. Still inspired by the documentary I watched, I picked up a few bottles of beet, carrot and celery juice to test the waters. Not totally bad, but takes some getting used to. I'm going to try to skip a meal a day and replace it with some sort of juiced item to see how it goes (a bottle of crabgrass right now sounds great). That was a joke.
Leave it to me to find the panini counter in a health food store and find a sandwich called “The Godfather”. It could not be more up my alley, whole wheat panini (whole wheat = healthy), breaded chicken cutlet (OK not so healthy), broccoli rabe (vegetable = healthy) and provolone (protein). My calculation says overall it’s a healthy choice and I'm all in.

I was so happy to find this combo that after ordering I wanted to start the tarantella dance with the other people in the store.
And here it is – “Vwaa-la"
The rest of the weekend was fantastic. Now I’m looking forward to listening to Christmas music and of course the radio playing every hour until we are completely out of the holiday spirit and sick of hearing Mariah Carey say “All I want for Christmas is Youuuuuu” and Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

One last comment on Matt's post. Don't let him fool you, he loves Wham. Ask him about his George Michael backpack. I kid you not.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

What's on the DVR?

A quick housekeeping note before we dive into our final lunch before the long holiday weekend.  

For ease of reading, we decided we would include a small photo of our ruggedly handsome faces before each passage so you would know who was speaking. We're smart and on the ball like that. So for John, you'll see this:
And for Matt, you'll see this:
Isn't that a fantastic enhancement? In corporate terms, it was a quick win and a chance to take care of some low hanging fruit, not to mention, a chance to leverage existing technology in a new and forward thinking way. But I digress.

Wegman's was beyond chaotic today with the upcoming holiday so there was little time to fret over our lunch choices. Grab what you can as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there. I'm not even sure what I ate today and that never happens.

Lunch conversation started out with us laughing at the customers shopping below us (we eat overlooking the produce section) who were crashing into each other like the bumper cars on the boardwalk at Seaside Heights (yeah buddy). It quickly moved to what shows are currently on our DVR and why we love them. 

I'll let Matt share with you first. 
I have to agree with John about today's lunch menu, nothing too exciting, just an abundance of sodium nitrate on bread (i.e. ham, salami and cheese). Yeah, lentils were not on the agenda. 

So let’s talk about my TIVO. My DVR is as eclectic as my iPod library (where you'll find Manilow, Guns N Roses and Jay-Z and others I'm too embarrassed to say and would make you ask if I'm a man or a woman). 

My show list:
Inside The Actors Studio - This show keeps me close to feeling like I'm still connected to learning the craft of Acting. It can get very serious, very intense (sometimes I yell at the TV about the students that are so intense and say "OK Stop" you douche) and at times very funny. Every guest has such a unique story and history of how they became a star that I can't seem to get enough. 

Person of Interest - I have a man crush on Jim Caviezel. Period. The character is tough, smart and able to get out of any predicament the storyline calls for (Yes, I must admit at times this gets annoying and you want to see him lose an arm or something to keep it real). Plus, the shows locations are all NY & NJ. Very cool. 

The Rosie Show - Yeah Yeah Yeah. Call me what you want. I'm giving her a chance to see if it's "Oprah quality" since I used to record her show as well. Not bad so far but not sure I'm all in just yet. If she says that she's from Long Island one more time I might just "check out" for good.

Take it away John:

My show list:
Sister Wives - the dynamics of polygamy are beyond fascinating and I could watch for days. I need to see how it is determined which wife the dude will be with each night and why. Is it a rigid rotation? To watch he and his wives "court" the 4th wife left me in awe. A must watch.

An American Horror Story - you've never seen a more disturbing, bizarre and all around "wrong" show. I cannot fathom how they get away with what they do even on cable. Just know there is an evil baby who lives in the basement who was constructed from body parts of other children. 

Beavis and Butthead - it has returned and is better than ever. My wife laughs at me laughing like a 17 year old but it kills me every time. I still say it is in the top ten of best comedy shows of all time. 

Matt putting Rosie on his list has me a bit concerned and we'll have to work that one out over the next few weeks. Maybe taking over Oprah's studio (no idea why I know this) will work magic for her but I'm not buying. 

Have a great Thanksgiving holiday and I'm sure Matt and I will share what went down at each of our home's during the "feast". 


Monday, November 21, 2011

The foods we hate

Yesterday we were not only back to work, but also back to lunch. Even though Matt and I only sit only one row away from each other in the office, I think we purposely avoid each other so our lunch conversation will be "fresh".

The Monday drive to lunch is our chance to catch up on each other's weekend. The conversation is all about our kids activities, what we did with our spouses, where we ate lunch/dinner (shocker) and of course, fantasy football. We are both sports fanatics and in the blink of an eye, we can start reciting the starting lineup for the '79 Mets.
What's really funny, is that our "weekend in review" abruptly ends the moment we walk through the automatic doors at Wegman's. Once we cross the threshold into the most heavenly of supermarkets, we go our separate ways without saying a word to each other. It is all business as we independently decide on our respective lunches. I've come to notice that we each circle all of the lunch stations at least twice before any decisions are made. Then, there is about a ten second delay as we absorb all of the information we've just taken in. And then boom! ... we make our food purchases and move on.

Lunch for me:
Cajun Kettle Salad with extra chicken - the wheat croutons alone are worth it
Sun Chips - need that crunch
Some bizarre green tea concoction - I'm convinced it will allow me to live to 100

The main topic of conversation was the foods we hate that most people typically love. My top three:

1)Milk - this goes back to 1st grade when I watched a friend throw up their milk right at my feet. I've never recovered and probably haven't had a glass of milk since the early 80's. I also remember our chorus teacher saying it causes phlegm while singing and that sealed the deal for me. Nasty.
2)Mayonnaise - the thought of the smell has me dry heaving as I type this. I remember friends in college telling me they would smear my face in it if I got drunk enough and I made sure that never happened.  
3)Coconut - it ruins everything it touches and gets stuck in my teeth
For me (Matt), I don't turn away much, but these top 3 turn me off faster then having to watch an episode of "Khloe & Lamar":
1) Anything Peppermint - Peppermint Chocolate, Peppermint tea, Candy Canes..No. No. No.
2) Liverwurst - Never liked the look of it, never could tell if it's soft where you could spread it on bread and get sick just by seeing how thick it needs to be sliced. I'll pass.
3) Black Licorice - Makes me nauseous, sick and wanting to know who invented this disgusting a#% candy. Bring on the Strawberry Twizzlers instead.

We would love to hear your feedback on this topic. What foods make you violently ill?


Thursday, November 17, 2011

For $100, would you ...?

Lunch is always a good time.

No matter what else is going on in our world, Matt and I make a point to not have it drag down our lunch. That hour is sacred and must be treated as such. Some days are mellow and laid back, while others are more lively and spirited. When those "fired up"days are here, lunch at Wegman's moves to a whole new level. Today was one of those days.

I got in a solid workout last night so I was in full on "delusional bodybuilder mode" when choosing what to eat.
All I was thinking was protein. I loaded up on tandoori chicken (the best), chicken and broccoli and hot and spicy chicken. Have to feed those muscles. My brain says I'm 24 and on the road to looking like The Rock. The mirror says I'm 39 and losing muscle mass by the minute. But I won't go down without a fight.

Let me now hand it over to Matt:

unfortunately was not looking for the protein because I worked out earlier in the day. Nope, not me. I have not touched a dumbbell or attempted a push-up in about 2 months and boy does it show. However, I should be getting the "Eye of the Tiger" back any day now.
I always pick the perfect time to start a diet - right around the holidays. I know, dumb.

Anyway, I needed something to follow up breakfast which was high fiber toast with organic cream cheese. I wanted something different today, no "cold cuts" or pizza with a bag of sun chips and diet Mountain Dew; nah, I was tired of that. I went out on a limb with the Chicken Caesar sandwich (of course taking some of the bread out cause I'm watching the carbs), a bag of Terra Blue chips (3 grams of fiber) and a beverage that has moved up on my list  - Cherry Coke Zero. I know "What a stretch Matt!".

Back to you John:

So we sat down to eat and immediately got into our absolute favorite back and forth game of "Would you do [blank] for [blank] dollars?". A simple game that has been around for ages but one that we take very seriously. You have to answer in a well thought out manner no matter how ridiculous the act may be. Yes, it can get real "wrong" at times but that is what makes it interesting. There is no "C'mon dude, that's nasty, no way I ever do that.". Every option must be answered with full effort and the reason why you would or would not perform said act. Here we go:

Example 1
John: For $100 cash, would you ask the older angry guy that sits two aisles over from you where he got his shoes and ask him if he could order you a pair?

Matt:  I would definitely do it but for $400 or more. My fee would also include asking him if they make his feet sweat.

Example 2
Matt: For $50 would you sit wearing a clown nose for the whole lunch hour and talk to me as if nothing is wrong?

John:  I would honestly wear an entire clown costume for an order of wings. People are scared to death of clowns so they would look the other way and avoid eye contact. I kind of dig that concept.
Example 3
John - For $50, would you ask a complete stranger to borrow $10 without giving a reason why?

Matt - I wouldn't ask anyone at work because if the person I ask tells one person then people will talk and suspect I'm like an addict or something or as creepy as the "IT" picture above. If you put me on the streets of NYC, where nothing seems to amaze anyone, I would go for it and feel confident that I could get at least one person to feel bad for me.

For now, I'll refrain from sharing some of the more "salty" discussions we had. It may require you to sign a waiver before you can read it. Maybe we'll put out a book on it some day.

Hope you enjoyed the hell out of your lunch today.

John and Matt

All Gut and No Butt

Yo, Yo what up everyone? I’m back in action after taking a few days off last week to do a few family things. These “Family Things” and “Get Togethers” did take me away from my lunch buddy and sometimes stalker “Johnny Wings”, but I think he’s forgiven me knowing I always bring back many stories that we pick apart and thrive on.

As I was saying, the past few days did allow me to "download" a bunch of good material that I can’t wait to pass along so here’s what I’ve been up to….

A few weeks ago I had to buy a new suit for a wedding my wife and I were invited to. So, Thursday I went to pick up my new suit from this local place who did the alterations. The place is run by an older Italian lady who is no more then 5 ft tall, with thick glasses and speaks with a heavy Italian accent. I try on my new suit (it’s a big suit but still looks good) while my little Italian friend is now standing behind me as I look in the mirror seeing how it all fits. She goes on to tell me in her classic old school Italian voice “I made-a da suit look-a nice-a fa you”, “You like-a?”, “How’za da waist-a fit?”, “I took-a lot off-a da leg cause there was just-a too much-a material”. This is her way of saying in so many words “your all gut and no butt”. After hearing all her wonderful compliments I paid for my alterations and hit the road.

Friday was the wedding. 2nd wedding we had to go to in the past 2 months. Wearing my new suit (again, it’s a big suit) along with having to shell out yet another “envelope” or as it’s said in Italian slang “ah-BOOST” (aka cash gift). The DJ played a lot of good dance music so I decided to hit da dance floor to display my Travolta moves. My moves are a constant head bop, fingers snap, a quick leg move and a clap. Throw in an occasional fist pump in the air and I look like I’m a regular at the club “Karma” down the Jersey Shore. After hearing Maroon 5 “Moves Like Jaggar” and Alexandra Stan “Mr. Saxo Beat” I felt like I was 25 again (with a full head of hair of course) and was ready to audition for MTV’s next casting call. I walked off the dance floor all confident like I killed it, and back to my seat to indulge in whatever the next food course was waiting for me.

Saturday was my son’s last soccer game for the year. The usual crew of parents showed up. These are the same people whose husbands walk over to the side lines and have to let everyone know within a 25 mile radius know that they have arrived. When this happens I go right to my cell phone and call anyone who’ll answer my call (even a cousin I have not spoken to in years) just to make this jerk feel like I could care less he showed up and to not have to hear his annoying tone.

Then you have the one’s who bring an apple to eat while they are watching the kids play soccer. I really want to say “listen buddy, I really don’t want to hear you crunch on that thing for the next 2 mins”. The games are barely an hour; you couldn’t wait until afterwards or bring an egg sandwich for God sake.

Anyway the rest of the weekend was spent getting my fantasy football team ready and eating like I was going to the electric chair.  

Look for John and I to give a full report on our next day back to lunch together.

Pet peeve of the week: Being on line at the store (Let’s say Starbucks for example) and the person in front of you steps up to the counter and goes “Yeah, let me get a Venti ………” when I hear “let me get” I want to walk off the line, leave the store, get in my car and never come back again. But my tough guy side wants to say “Is that how you ask for something?” “Let me get?” are you kidding me or what? Ughhh, Getting worked up just writing that whole scenario.

Later Peeps.


Monday, November 14, 2011

"One" guy at lunch

I was on vacation last week in the Great Northwest (specifically Portland and Seattle) and as much as we tried, Matt and I couldn't figure out a way to eat lunch remotely while we were on both sides of the country. We'll have to develop that technology in the near future. 

Hopefully Matt will let you in on what he did for lunch all last week. I know I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to find out.   

Anyway, I was back in the office today and to my surprise and dismay, Matt was out. Was this retribution for me abandoning him last week? I had no idea he was bailing out today and he KNOWS I need to be made aware of these things in advance. I won't be ignooooooorrrrred Matthew! 
I need time to mentally adjust to dining solo on a non Friday. I had an agenda we needed to review and instead, I was stuck with my own friggin thoughts. You son of a mutha f'er!

But I am a man with intestinal fortitude so I ventured on to Wegman's alone, ready to reunite with the big W for the first time in over ten days. It was an emotional and tearful reunion and I was welcomed back with both open arms and an open cash register. 

As I danced amongst the Asian buffet and twirled through the submarine line (don't you dare call it a hoagie) I was totally on point with what I was going to eat today:

3 golden barbecue wings - the color pulled me in
Ham, provolone, mystery cheese spread, mustard on a pretzel roll - did they read my diary?
Yukon Gold potato chips - because they are healthy  
Honest Tea - green tea with Maltese orange - green tea cancels out the wings    
Quick side note: I'm pretty sure I was caught taking a photo of my lunch by the guy parked next to me today and I'm pretty sure he assigned me the "creepy" label. The efforts I go through for you damn people.

I was thrilled with my lunch choices and was back in the "Wegman's Groove", as opposed to "Back in the New York Groove" by Ace Frehley - one of the worst songs ever recorded. Seriously, click the photo below and you'll agree:
Since I was dining "isole a l'automobile peu" (French for "looking like a moron dining in a little car") I had the radio cranked listening to Howard Stern interview Chris Martin from Coldplay. Stern is an incredibly polarizing figure but I am sure he will go down in history as one of the best interviewers of all time. He gets celebrities to let their guard down like no other and in doing so, humanizes them. I could listen to him all day.

Eating was complete, back to the grind and the remnants from lunch were left in my car so the wing smell could stay with me on the ride home. I survived the day once again.      

Check back tomorrow to see if Matt and I are headed down the path of divorce or if he really had a legitimate excuse for leaving me to fend for myself today.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Heeeerre's Johnny

OK Johnny boy, dying to know more about the guy that sits across from me for the past 10 years who thrives on Tandoori Chicken.  Here are my questions to you buddy:

What sitcom or cartoon character best describes you (past or present show)?
I would say 50% one of the old men sitting in the balcony on "The Muppet Show", 20% Beavis, 20% Jim Halpert from "The Office" and 10% Greg Brady from "The Brady Bunch".     
What is your greatest pleasure in life?
Seeing a smile on my wife and each of my kid's faces at the exact same time. A close second is sweating my ass off while gardening in the dead of summer.   

What excites you more, cars, food or alcohol? Why?
Easy one - food. Cars mean absolutely nothing to me as evidenced by my still ticking 1999 Honda Civic. I love me some red wine with dinner every night and I've become a massive supporter of the IPA but food thrills me day and night. Hell, look at this blog. It's no joke or satire that we take our lunch very seriously.  

If you had 1 hour to pack up you & your family and all of your personal belongings and move away permanently to a place you have never been, where would you go and why would you go there?
I am moving to Stonington, Connecticut. We have vacationed there a few times and I love the local village feel. It is right on the Long Island Sound so you get the beach vibe without a trace of Jersey Shore cheesiness. It's the kind of place where you just sit and hang with your neighbors all day.  
If given $10,000 for 1 hr of work, would you pose to be in Men's Health modeling speedo underwear? (and yes, just wearing underwear)
C'mon now. I'd pose in women's underwear for $100.

What movie have you cried while watching and what part got you to that point?
I am not a big crying guy but most recently, the beginning of "Up" was one of the most touching moments I've ever seen in a movie. The collage of memories of the wife was so moving, even for an animated movie.  
Do you ever let out a weird masculine grown of exhaustion (that really may be unnecessary) while weight lifting to make yourself feel more pumped and that your really working out hard?
Actually I am the most silent weightlifter of all time. I have no idea why but it has always been that way. Thank god you didn't ask me about my poses in the mirror.  

If you went on "America's Got Talent" what type of act would you do and would it be solo or with a group?
I would do a medley of 80's Hair Metal hits and I'm pretty sure it would be killer. I am a dead ringer for not only Sebastian Bach and Bret Michaels, but also do a mean Klaus Meine (google that name).
If you went into business for yourself, what type of business would you choose and why? would you hire family?
I would run a plant nursery and ideally would only have family working with me. We would only sell "hard to find" plants and would inundate buyer's with my wife's delicacies as they shop. In fact, I will guarantee that this will happen in the not so distant future.

If a studio wanted to make you a guinea pig for an upcoming documentary they were filming (you being the star), what risk or insane task would you take on to do for 30 days?
I would go vegan for 30 days or I would avoid Wegman's for 30 days or I would live in the wild for 30 days or I would live in a coffin for 30 days. In other words, just about anything ... except something that invokes my overwhelming fear of heights.    

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Getting to know Matt

For reasons I cannot yet divulge (how's that for a teaser?), Matt and I have not dined together for lunch this week. I thought about making up some stuff but I always keeps it real.

Nothing but credibility here. Because of these unfortunate circumstances, we figured we would each "interview" the other as a way to get to know us better. A chance to climb inside our minds; see what makes us tick.

Here is part I as I throw Matt ten questions of complete randomness. Enjoy:

What is the perfect meal?
Breaded Chicken Cutlet (2 is good), Broccoli Rabe (Ton of Garlic), Mashed Potato, Caesar Salad, Diet Cream Soda w/a lotta Ice. Then a short nap with no interruptions.
If you could invite three people to dinner (alive or deceased) who
would it be?
Sly Stallone - Just to talk about the Rocky saga...........oh yeah and to ask why the hell his brother Frank is still doing autograph shows when his brother is a billionaire.
Pacino - "Who-Haa" To have him inspire me to take that chance and follow a dream of being an actor. As he's speaking to me hearing Eminem rap "the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go and you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo".
Sinatra - Then of course what would a dinner be without Ol' Blue Eyes. Man, I might just pass up the Chicken Cutlet and Rabe to hear what it was like to be the leader of the "Rat Pack".
What is your biggest regret in life?
Not buying Apple stock 15 years ago. Hate when people say that crap. Actually, it's not getting my Screen Actors Guild card (Had the passion but the timing wasn't right) and being stuck in the 9-5......I'm waiting to come out of hiding when they need a Kevin James stunt double in "Mall Cop Part II".
What is your number one pet peeve?
Henpecked men who act like loud mouths and tough guys around their friends.

What is the most overrated food?
Artichokes, hands down. I never understood the fascination only to get a few green strands that get stuck in your teeth. Have some string beans it's easier.
Who is your greatest sports hero and why?
If you asked me this in 1980 I would have easily said Lee Mazzilli (who else did we as Met fans have to root for at that time?). However, I have to say it's my other Paisan #31 Mike Piazza. For me, no other player stepped up to the plate with such confidence and power that made you stop everything you were doing to watch his at bat. Mike let Met fans feel proud to be a fan and kept it interesting everyday, especially when we had no other big name players to brag about. As a Met fan all my life, I equate Mike Piazza to Sinatra; it'll be a long time before there is another one of his kind.
Describe yourself in ten words.
A homebody who always strives to be a good guy.

What is the greatest TV show of all time?
Wow. It's like impossible to have just one. Choice between "Joanie loves Chachi" and "Rock of Love" hmmmm.....But to answer your question, "The Honeymooners". Never would consider

Describe your ideal job.
I would love to have a 3-4 day work week, being a side-kick on a radio show, being able to be myself, using humor in everything, talking sports, entertainment, music, food and family would be phenomenal. Maybe I should just audition for the Howard Stern Show since Artie Lange is now on another show no one listens to. Sounds like a perfect fit for me.

If you joined the cast of Jersey Shore, what would your nickname be?
I could see "Paulie D" calling me “Hey Bibster cabs here!"

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

An open fly leads to a lunch tirade

"I made bad lunch choices today because the zipper on my pants was broken."

I bet no one has ever muttered that phrase before. But it is true. After shaking the dew off my lily this morning, I pulled up my zipper and boom, the whole thing fell apart. Not a good scene. I must have looked disturbing trying to fix the mess amongst the crowd in the bathroom. Even worse, I tried to see if my recovery plan looked OK in the reflection of the elevators at work and did a weird shimmy/shake to check it out. The security guards are still laughing.

Onward to lunch.

As we approached Wegman's this afternoon, I kept my hand dangling in front of my "mid section" with the hopes no one would see the goods. In retrospect, the odd dangling hand probably brought more attention to it, but I digress.

The lunch decision was a total rush job today because of my vulnerable state. I some how ended up with a slice of white, a slice of buffalo chicken and three wings (2 garlic and parm and 1 buffalo). Absolutely no logic whatsoever and it is hard to get in a good eating rhythm with those choices. Everything was off for me.

Meanwhile, Matt, Mr."well thought out" had a chicken sandwich with stuffing on the side and he definitely had his eating rhythm going on. I had major food envy but decided to eat on and be mature about it.

As a result of my "situation" (I am so pissed that any time I say or hear the word "situation", I think of that f'n clown from Jersey Shore) I was a bit on edge during lunch. The seating upstairs at Wegmans is perfect for people watching and I was ready to rip someone a new one to make myself feel better. It didn't take long to find the victim.

A woman with kid in tow was pushing her cart towards the register that said:

A quick glance at her cart and I counted at least 20 items. I thought about throwing a chewed wing at her but that would risk our daily trips to the greatest eatery in the world so I just blasted her to Matt. Seriously, are you that important and in such a rush that you can't obey a simple rule? I'll bet you're the same person who stops in the middle of an aisle in the supermarket during the holidays to decide which packets of Crystal Light you want to purchase while creating gridlock traffic all around you. And I'm sure you're also the one who interrupts my conversations with an associate at Home Depot because your inability to find a surge protector trumps my inability to find ... well ... everything.

Tirade completed and I felt much better and lucky for wife, I can still taste the glorious garlic.

Tomorrow I will get back my eating rhythm and all will be OK in the world. Until then ...


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Family and Power in NJ

Here on the east coast mother nature showed us signs of the 2011-12 winter pre-game show in October.

Yes, it snowed and because of the crappy weather and the bazillion trees that took the power out faster then Kim Kardashian’s marriage, my family had to spend a few days over my house in NJ because they were without power. So the NY crew of Mom, Dad, Sis, kids and the 2 lb Yorkie who is like watching a dog on 5-hour energy roll into my house for a short stay. This took me away from my lunch buddy for a day and left me with a bunch of pent up pet peeves and stories I had no one to tell.

The 3 days really brought me back to growing up in the Bronx, NY where everything revolves around the meal. Everything. From the shopping list, to understanding what time everyone is going to be home from work, to the side dishes that go with the steak or pasta and to the dessert that ALWAYS follows 20-25 mins after the dinner table is cleaned up.

During the 3 days, Mom cooked and cleaned up afterwards always with an intense look on her face, very much into the role like it was 1980 all over again. The only difference this time was that she didn’t find my Playboy books under my bed or scream about my room looking like sh#t, instead, she needs a Venti Vanilla Frappuccino Light with 3 scoops of Starbucks Vanilla powder after EVERY meal (of course in addition to the dessert). Once Starbucks and dessert is done, mom falls asleep talking to you.  

As for Dad, he doesn’t believe in just making the best of  “a situation”. He basically needs a full meal with every sitting. No pizza or ½ of sandwich and soup for him. No way. He needs a steak or pasta with Meatballs and Sausage, a side, a salad, french bread and a tub of breakstones butter to wash it all down. Uh yeah, Acai or Smoked Salmon Sushi is not in his dictionary.

This would sum it up for ya.....

Each night when everyone is about 30 mins from snoring so loud you have to hold the furniture down so it doesn’t fly away, Dad breaks out the zip lock bag filled with about 7 different prescriptions he’s on to help his heart and diabetes. Now that he ate his 3,000 calorie dinner and dessert he turns into Mr. Serious/Dr. Oz with statements like “Ya know My Dr. said you should never blah blah blah”. I’m looking at him and nodding but inside saying to myself “Is he kidding me or what?” 

Through it all every night we laughed, we ate, we gossip, we ate, we got under each others skin (at times with some awkward silence involved), but all in all they are my family and I love them and glad I could help out when they needed me. 

Look forward to picking up my routine again with John tomorrow and getting back to Wegmans lunch hour to my same sandwich, organic chips and diet soda pick of the day.

Later Peeps.

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