Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey - "Where are they now?"

Good evening. We come to you today from the future.

We have like this really cool time machine that we'll some day show you. But we have more important business to take care of right now.

It is January 2015 and a lot has happened the past three years. I can't give away too much because it will mess up the future of the world and that would really suck.

What I can share with you however, is what has transpired in the universe of the Real Housewives of New Jersey these past three years. Some pretty crazy and unexpected stuff.

Today, we give you part one of a three part series where we fill you in on what has happened to some of our favorite "characters" from RHONJ. I think you'll be shocked to when you read below.

Deep breaths ... and go:        

  • Teresa’s 4th cookbook “Fabulicious Grilling” was released in 2013 and was immediately crucified by the critics as Tre claimed to have invented “grilled chicken” and a “medium rare” cheeseburger. The book still sold well though, as the foreword contained cartoons Teresa drew of Melissa as a stripper and Caroline as the Abominable Snowman.
  • Teresa’s 5th cookbook “Fabulicious Food for Strippers” was released in late 2013 as she looked to pounce on the marketability of strippers. Some of the more notable recipes include: “Meatballs on Display” “Gold-digger Chicken” and “I Just Wanna Manicotti”. She vehemently claimed  that any of the names that resembled a certain someone were merely a coincidence.
  • In order to make some easy cash when times were tough, Teresa lent her name to a new Spike TV game show entitled “Are You Smarter Than a Giudice?” It was hosted by go to gameshow host,  Chris Manzo, and became the network’s biggest hit to date.
  • After divorcing Juicy Joe in early 2014, Tre, in a shocking move, teamed up with Danielle Staub to star in the re imagined off Broadway version of Thelma & Louise called “Two Sick and Crazy Bitches” produced by Greg Bennett. It became a critical success for its dark humor and as one critic penned, it was “lunacy never before seen on the stage”.
  • By late 2014, after The Real Housewives of New Jersey was put on permanent hiatus. Teresa continued her downward spiral and had no choice but to check herself into "Celebrity Narcissism Rehab with Dr Drew". She made great strides early and appeared to make some connections with her housemates only to be thrown into the depths of despair when Melissa Gorga entered as a mid-season replacement for Honey Boo Boo (turns out she was too young for such a program). 

  • After watching his disturbing appearance on the 2012 RHONJ reunion, Joe immediately got himself clean, shed 25 pounds and swore off creepily groaning on the phone with his Italian male coworkers. 
  • Just as Teresa was releasing her new cookbook in early 2013, Joe moved out of the mansion in Towaco, NJ and moved into his parents garage. He got back to his roots and started working in construction, albeit as low man on the totem pole. The kids would come visit often and begged to live in the garage with him. They called him “the sane one”. 
  • Joe made up with all of his male RHONJ co-stars and they all opened up an Italian restaurant, "Momo's Kitchen" in Weehawken, NJ. It is similar in style to Planet Hollywood and The Hard Rock Café in that it counted on show memorabilia and props to pull in the crowds. Some of the more infamous pieces included Joe Gorga’s “banana hammock”, Rich Wakilie’s white polo shirt (collar still up) and Joe Giudice’s cell phone.
  • Joe and Teresa called it quits and made the divorce official in early 2014. When Teresa entered rehab, Joe was awarded full custody of the girls and he moved them into a modest home in Paramus, NJ.
  • Figuring he would strike while the iron was hot, Joe opened up a string of “Juicy Joe” juice bars throughout the tri-state area where he partnered with The Situation. All of the locations are thriving and he even made a plea to his ex-wife to work in one of them to help her "get back on her feet again or whatever".

  • Joe Gorga’s appeal was made evident to all after the 2012 reunion and he was immediately contacted by Hollywood types to start planning the next aspect of his career. He sold his “business” to Rich Wakilie, who in turn sold it to someone else (and made a nice profit as a result).
  • Joe landed a supporting role in the movie "Mad Mike II" and was able to show his considerable "talents" to a larger audience. His character name of “Rod Long” became a lexicon in pop culture and lead to many new opportunities in show business.
  • The next move was a no-brainer, as he upped the family from their home in NJ and moved them all out to Los Angeles. Melissa pursued her singing career and Joe could walk around in his skivvies and get paid for it.
  • Unfortunately, it fell apart quickly when studios realized that Joe was only 4 ft 11. He could never be a leading man so the calls stopped coming. By late 2013, Joe was appearing in low budget “B” movies, most often as a street hustler. Times were tough.
  • To make matters worse, with the new law banning Autotunes, Melissa was left without a singing career. She did appear on a few RHONJ cruises where she could sing “On Display” for faithful fans but it wasn’t enough to pay the bills.
  • By 2014, the Gorga’s moved back to New Jersey and Joe made up with his former brother in law and they opened the aforementioned restaurant. Melissa couldn’t recover from her loss of fame and kind of lost it. She seized the opportunity to join Dr Drew’s "Celebrity Narcissism Rehab" knowing Teresa was already there. She figured firing up Tre brought her success in the past so why not give it another try. Only time will tell.


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