Monday, December 19, 2011

Our Christmas list

Between days off, conflicting work schedules and last minute Christmas shopping, Matt and I have not had lunch together very often this past week. But that's OK. We're mature adults and understand these things are beyond our control.

But don't think for a minute, that we don't have anything to say.

For today, considering how quickly the holidays are approaching, we wanted to share our Christmas wish lists with you. It goes without saying, my number one wish would be a year's supply of Wegman's lunch, but you know that already. No need to state the obvious.

So without further ado, I give you our 2011 Christmas Wishlists:

1)The ability to grow a normal beard - If neckbeards were all the rage, I would be leading the charge. I can grow hair on my neck like no one's business. But when it comes to growing hair on my face, it's a different story:

True story, a coworker stopped me recently and with complete seriousness, asked me if "mutton chops" were back in style. A quick Google search on that term and I knew it was time to shave. No matter what I do, I cannot hide the fact that I have spots on my face incapable of growing hair. Even a goatee is out of the question as I can't grow the necessary "connectors". A joke and an embarrassment; just look at my avatar for this blog and you'll get it.

Why do I insist on even trying to grow a beard? Because I am afflicted with what I've deemed "Ralph Macchio" syndrome:

Like Mr. Macchio, I have a baby face which made me look young for a long time and allowed me to still get "carded" when buying alcohol all the way up through my mid 30's. But now as I approach 40, I have this strange hybrid look of young and old at the same time that just looks "off".  That is where the beard comes into play; I attempt to pull off the mature/rugged look. That shit ain't happening.      

2)The ability to smell - If you know me well enough, you know I am an avid gardener and love to eat:

What a tool (pun intended).

Anyway, I have zero sense of smell. That's what a deviated septum will do for you. Imagine how much more I would enjoy all of my flowers if I could smell them or enjoy my food if I had a full command of all five senses. On top of that, I have to sleep with my mouth completely open and that leads to a lack of quality sleep. And one more for good measure - my gums are inflamed as a result of all my mouth breathing so dentist cleanings are a bloody mess. You feeling my pain? Time to get the surgery and enjoy life that much more. No more dry heaving after my morning run because I can't get any air up through and out of my nostrils.

**One benefit of no smell - I could change my children's nastiest diapers without any issue. My wife still thanks me.**           

3)To NOT SEE the movie "New Year's Eve" - You know you've seen the trailer and all of the well known actors/actresses in this flick. And you also know if Ashton Kutcher is in it, it has no soul. While you are all sitting in the theater and watching the stereotypical character portrayals, a contrived script and an overall lack of character depth, I'll be home watching a show with smart writing and a better grasp of real life like Phineas and Ferb or Spongebob:

My wife and I sat through the bore that was "Valentine's Day" (from the makers of New Year's Eve) and vowed to never watch another movie of it's ilk again. I've seen more depth and realism watching Jersey Shore.  

Hearing John's "Wolverine" situation makes me think how much I cannot stand the thought of having to shave first thing in the morning. 

I buy every skin care product known to man that Gillette sells to make it a decent experience and still an hour after shaving, I have a 5 o'clock shadow that's worse then George Michael's "Faith" video.

OK maybe not as good looking as George but pretty damn close:
My list is very short this year......

1)To make it through a movie without falling asleep 45 minutes in - Not only does sleep apnea make me wake up every single morning like I just went to bed 5 minutes ago, but it has more importantly, limited my Tivo selections. I am the king of the 30 min show (which are about 23 minutes considering you can fast forward through commercials). 1 hour shows are really pushing it but depending on the subject matter (example: "Snooki's True Hollywood Story" or "Mob Wives Reunion") and a few smacks in the face at about the 40 min mark, I can make it through:

Although having to watch football on Sunday from 1pm -11pm with food every few hours somehow I'm able to make it through that with no problem. Hmmmmm, I wonder why?

1 comment:

  1. John, your mutton chops had me hysterical at 2:30 in the morning. Luckily the kids did not wake up.


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