Saturday, September 29, 2012

"We are not real men" - a new TGAL feature

John here ... 

A funny thing happened to me recently that served as the ultimate reminder that I'm really not a "man".

A neighbor had asked me to participate in a paint ball ... game ... match? (see already the masculinity is waning) and I felt shrinkage down below immediately. Shit, I don't know if I've ever held a gun in my entire life. If I do this, I may be known as "that guy", the one no one wants on their team or who they lose respect for from that day forward. The guy eliminated from the battle in the first five minutes.

I thought about acting all psyched to do it only to remember that I had a "thing" that same day. Maybe I was going to the antique car show or maybe the shooting range or maybe even a UFC fight. But I couldn't pull off the lie fast enough and just kind of hesitated and made it obvious that it "wasn't for me". 

But what really hit home was when later that day, as that same neighbor was driving by my house and waved, I waved back and looked like this:    

Yes, I had a flower pot in my hand as I waved to the paint ball guy. Pretty masculine, eh?

Many of you know that I spend most of my free time out in the garden. It is my true passion. It isn't the manliest of past times, and when gardening and paint ball collide, paint ball greatly outweighs gardening on the manly scale.  

I shared this story with Matt at lunch the next day and we got into a discussion about how we are so "non-manly" in oh so many ways. Matt shared a story with me from that same morning that brings into question whether or not we actually have testosterone in our bodies.

Matt here ... 

Yes, there are many things that a man should just know, that I could care less about. I can’t put a nail in the wall, I don’t know how to find a stud (yeah I know I should buy a stud finder), I hate when a guy says they put up dry wall or “gutted the place”.

All that stuff infuriates me. I’d rather go on Fear Factor and eat 50 spiders then hear about how a guy renovated his house because he’s “handy”.

I don’t own a tool belt, construction boots, or a saw. I know how to use my iPad, my cell phone and my computer.

There you have it. Go ahead and laugh all you want.

The other manly thing I never got myself into is cars. I know nothing about them but filling them up with gas and changing the oil every 3,000 miles. That’s what they say you should do. No idea why and I don’t care to hear why.

So back to the story John referenced.

Yesterday, I took my car in for a tire and oil change. I asked the guy to check to see if I also needed a wheel alignment (figured something was up based on how my tires were wearing down). Of course asking a mechanic to check to see if you need something is like asking if they can please just add an extra $200 to your bill. Happens every time. I've never had a mechanic say “nah, your good for another year with that, save your money for now”. Yeah right.

After I asked him to check on the wheel alignment the pupils in his eyes changed to dollar signs. “Sure we’ll check that for you buddy” - Can you hear "cha ching"?.

Anyway, on the way back from dropping my car off I told John that I’m having the guy put a new tire on, oil change and to see if I need a wheel alignment. After the words “oil change” came out of my mouth John was done, complete deer in the headlights look as we both could not loosen a lug nut if our lives depended on it.

The only oil I know is olive oil. When it comes to cars we say “just tell me how much” and move on. I'll show all of you how manly I am once I get my tattoo sleeve. OK, maybe I'll just start with just changing the wiper fluid. 

John here ...

So look for a new weekly feature where Matt and I bare our souls and admit to our lack of manliness. Yes, it runs that rampant that we can actually create a weekly feature out of it.

Until next time ...



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