Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Real Housewives of New Jersey - A "character" analysis

What you are about to read will more than likely make you lose all respect for the two of us. 


Matt and I are over the top fans of Real Housewives of New Jersey and we just both watched the finale this week. Good times.

I grew up right outside of Franklin Lakes so I have a great perspective on these type of people and that adds to the intrigue. They're all insanely wealthy (until they're bankrupt) and you have to love Italians living in Northern New Jersey.   

It was THE topic at lunch the other day and I'm pretty sure this show wasn't meant to be analyzed and studied as much as we have. We're not talking Lost here.

We started to do a character analysis (kick me in the shins now) but realized why not write it up here so it can be studied by all of our wonderful readers (thanks Mom!). 

So here it is. You didn't ask for it, you have no need for it and you'll feel sick in the morning after reading it.



John's take: My guess is that Joe wishes this show never existed so he could have slid under the radar with his job as "entrepreneur". Over/Under on him announcing that he is entering rehab is at 6 months.
Matt's take: Just when you thought "Juicy Joe" could not top having a fake drivers license, a DUI,  claiming bankruptcy and getting a "mystery call" while on vacation, he chips his tooth break dancing in the dining room. Way to go Joe!

John's take: The so-called "sweet one" is seriously losing her shit. I'm still not sure why the loss of friendship with Teresa has her all jacked up. Nervous breakdown is knocking at the door if it hasn't shown up already.  
Matt's take: Definitely the beauty of the bunch. Just when you want to cheer for her standing up for herself, shes a crying mess over losing Teresa as a friend (and such a good friend "Tre" was to her) or hearing about Ashley's new tattoos. Lay off the alcohol "Jac".


John's take: He's the guy who makes the obvious joke in all situations and thinks he is funny as hell. By the way, he IS funny as hell and by far my favorite "character".
Matt's take: I have never seen a person wish they were Italian more then Rich. He's the only guy who could still wear a polo shirt with the collar up and get away with it.


John's take: What is there to say any more? In 2020 when universities are studying the effects "Reality TV" had on the culture and their "stars", she will be the ultimate case study in how the overexposure can remove every ounce of decency out of your body.
Matt's take: I know you're expecting me to bash this wack job from outer space. But, how can you make fun of a best selling author who says "ingredientzes" and "she hurted me".

John's take: People love her as the voice of reason. I am so sick of her claiming to be the voice of reason.  I cringe when she talks all godfather-like. This season also demonstrated how her boys can do no wrong (vomit inducing) and how much she can't stand her daughter Lauren.  
Matt's take: The Warden. Mrs. Serious. The matriarch of Franklin Lakes. "We fight big and we make up big". Classic Caroline slogans. Ughh. When is the last time you saw her smile? Ummm Never. Smile Caroline, if it wasn't for the show you'd be at the Garden State Plaza mall everyday spending Albert's money holding a poodle.


John's take: I still laugh my ass off every time I hear anyone sing "On Display". I'm still trying to figure out why she is always "on display" but I guess I'll just have to trust her on that one. I do like her more than all the other women on the show.
Matt's take: I love how she can wear the skimpiest outfit and play it off like she is not "On Display". Is she the "Soul Diggaz" #1 superstar?.


John's take: Over/Under on admitting he is bi-sexual. Three months.
Matt's take: This guy just might just be the most honest of them all. Just says whatever comes to his mouth. Scary right? BTW "Tarzan",  shave that horrible 5 o'clock shadow and stop with the creepy bond you have with your sister, it makes me uncomfortable.

John's take: The true definition of a "Momma's Boy" ... and not in a good way. Borderline creepy. Congrats to getting out now Lindsey
Matt's take: Am I dreaming or was there an episode when this prima donna left law school to go into the police academy? Yeah, that was gonna last as long as his relationship with the cheerleader did.

John's take: The "goofy" one and I don't really find it endearing. May need to drink more BLK water and less beer based on that ever expanding belly.  
Matt's take: I wish he started the car wash with the girls in bikini's. What else fits this character?


John's take: Chris continues to be a man of few words but he maximizes the impact of those words. I wouldn't cross him ... EVER. I do hope he keeps the boys in line with BLK as I found myself wanting to fire them all when they traveled to DC.    
Matt's take:  My favorite of the show. Everything he says makes sense, says his piece and regrets nothing. Never gets flustered. Also never has a hair out of place. I wanna be Chris when I grow up.

John's take: A true sweetheart who I could watch say "respect" all day and night. And me thinks her food blows away Teresa's. A class act.  
Matt's take: Well said my friend. Kathy is classy and does not steal recipes and does not look like a frog Mr. Juicy Joe. However, I will say that her eyes were a bit protruding in Punta Cana saying Teresa is "Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo".

And there you have it, an analysis like no other. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the Comments section. This is important and deep stuff. Let's keep the dialogue going.



  1. OK, first, Caroline's kids all have issues and is there really any question why?
    Caroline herself is a complete narcisistic bitch. She has a holier than thou persona that turns me off completely.
    I like Jacqueline. I think she has so much on her plate that a broken fingernail would send het over the edge. As far as her daughter getting tattoos, isn't that far better than the complete stuck up, snotty bitch she used to be?
    Chris is a top notch gentleman. He is confident without being cocky.
    The Walicki's collectively annoy me. Rich is embarassing. Kathy is just a floater.
    Melissa is the true definition of a princess. She loves the attention. She belongs in the spotlight good, bad or indifferent.
    Joe is creepy. Always sex, sex, sex. However I do give him props for speaking his mind.
    Teresa is the most insecure women ever. She does stupid shit to bring attention to hetself and when it backfires....deny, deny, deny.
    Joe is a scumbag, period.
    I think I covered everyone!

  2. You guys did a great job !! Entertaining, as !

    Here's my thoughts--I'll start with Caroline...I don't mind her most of the time. I do think she climbed up on that pedestal all on her own ,but her family went and threw that halo on her head. She is a bit like 'Don Laurita/Manzo' and definitely needs to be taken down a notch. And I don't disagree about her kids--she very obviously favors the boys. She's a bit too attached,IMO. I mean, I love my kids and all, but this woman is all up in their shit-- ALL of the time!

    I like Albert, but I kinda think Caroline pulls his strings like the Puppet Master.

    Albie..too worried about what mommy thinks. He needs to grow a pair--or at least ask his mom to stop carrying them around for him in her handbag. goofy. I think he's a bit less detached from mommy, but not much.

    Lauren..I think she's like the runt puppy in the litter that gets weaseled out of the way and kicked to side a bit. I kinda feel sorry for her sometimes.

    Jac...I've always liked her. She's funny, speaks her mind and the fact that she's apparently decked Caroline at some point in the past just amuses me.

    Chris..He's scary quiet. He's authoritative without being an asshole,reserved, and seems like a really nice guy, but definitely not a bear I'd want to see poked :D

    Joey Gorga...Cripes!! What a hornball!! He's definitely the fun guy you want at your party, but the constant "Tarzan" reveals and dry humping are a bit pervy. John, your prediction about him made me spit my!

    Melissa..I think she joined the show for all the right reasons--exposure. All she needed was a stepping stone for her 'music' career and she got it. I like to think the other reason she joined was simply because she knew it would piss Teresa off.

    Richie...does anybody else think he looks like a tanner, greasier Jeff Goldblum ?? He can be annoying, but I think he's funny..sometimes.I like him, he's harmless.

    Kathy...I like her. She's the most sane, but has a crazy look about her. Like she's always frazzled. She's way too forgiving, at least with Teresa.

    Joe Guidice...Le Eeewww. That is all.

    Teresa...Ugh*along with a giant roll of the eyes*. I think she's told so many lies, made so much stuff up, that in that her head she can't tell what's real or not. She always thinks everybody is out to get her and she loves to play the victim. She neither admits to, nor takes responsibility for anything she does or says. Explains why her girls are so ill behaved. Oh, and her unnatural obsession with her brother is gross and makes me squirm in my skin.

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