Saturday, September 29, 2012

"We are not real men" - a new TGAL feature

John here ... 

A funny thing happened to me recently that served as the ultimate reminder that I'm really not a "man".

A neighbor had asked me to participate in a paint ball ... game ... match? (see already the masculinity is waning) and I felt shrinkage down below immediately. Shit, I don't know if I've ever held a gun in my entire life. If I do this, I may be known as "that guy", the one no one wants on their team or who they lose respect for from that day forward. The guy eliminated from the battle in the first five minutes.

I thought about acting all psyched to do it only to remember that I had a "thing" that same day. Maybe I was going to the antique car show or maybe the shooting range or maybe even a UFC fight. But I couldn't pull off the lie fast enough and just kind of hesitated and made it obvious that it "wasn't for me". 

But what really hit home was when later that day, as that same neighbor was driving by my house and waved, I waved back and looked like this:    

Yes, I had a flower pot in my hand as I waved to the paint ball guy. Pretty masculine, eh?

Many of you know that I spend most of my free time out in the garden. It is my true passion. It isn't the manliest of past times, and when gardening and paint ball collide, paint ball greatly outweighs gardening on the manly scale.  

I shared this story with Matt at lunch the next day and we got into a discussion about how we are so "non-manly" in oh so many ways. Matt shared a story with me from that same morning that brings into question whether or not we actually have testosterone in our bodies.

Matt here ... 

Yes, there are many things that a man should just know, that I could care less about. I can’t put a nail in the wall, I don’t know how to find a stud (yeah I know I should buy a stud finder), I hate when a guy says they put up dry wall or “gutted the place”.

All that stuff infuriates me. I’d rather go on Fear Factor and eat 50 spiders then hear about how a guy renovated his house because he’s “handy”.

I don’t own a tool belt, construction boots, or a saw. I know how to use my iPad, my cell phone and my computer.

There you have it. Go ahead and laugh all you want.

The other manly thing I never got myself into is cars. I know nothing about them but filling them up with gas and changing the oil every 3,000 miles. That’s what they say you should do. No idea why and I don’t care to hear why.

So back to the story John referenced.

Yesterday, I took my car in for a tire and oil change. I asked the guy to check to see if I also needed a wheel alignment (figured something was up based on how my tires were wearing down). Of course asking a mechanic to check to see if you need something is like asking if they can please just add an extra $200 to your bill. Happens every time. I've never had a mechanic say “nah, your good for another year with that, save your money for now”. Yeah right.

After I asked him to check on the wheel alignment the pupils in his eyes changed to dollar signs. “Sure we’ll check that for you buddy” - Can you hear "cha ching"?.

Anyway, on the way back from dropping my car off I told John that I’m having the guy put a new tire on, oil change and to see if I need a wheel alignment. After the words “oil change” came out of my mouth John was done, complete deer in the headlights look as we both could not loosen a lug nut if our lives depended on it.

The only oil I know is olive oil. When it comes to cars we say “just tell me how much” and move on. I'll show all of you how manly I am once I get my tattoo sleeve. OK, maybe I'll just start with just changing the wiper fluid. 

John here ...

So look for a new weekly feature where Matt and I bare our souls and admit to our lack of manliness. Yes, it runs that rampant that we can actually create a weekly feature out of it.

Until next time ...


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Real Housewives of New Jersey - A "character" analysis

What you are about to read will more than likely make you lose all respect for the two of us. 


Matt and I are over the top fans of Real Housewives of New Jersey and we just both watched the finale this week. Good times.

I grew up right outside of Franklin Lakes so I have a great perspective on these type of people and that adds to the intrigue. They're all insanely wealthy (until they're bankrupt) and you have to love Italians living in Northern New Jersey.   

It was THE topic at lunch the other day and I'm pretty sure this show wasn't meant to be analyzed and studied as much as we have. We're not talking Lost here.

We started to do a character analysis (kick me in the shins now) but realized why not write it up here so it can be studied by all of our wonderful readers (thanks Mom!). 

So here it is. You didn't ask for it, you have no need for it and you'll feel sick in the morning after reading it.



John's take: My guess is that Joe wishes this show never existed so he could have slid under the radar with his job as "entrepreneur". Over/Under on him announcing that he is entering rehab is at 6 months.
Matt's take: Just when you thought "Juicy Joe" could not top having a fake drivers license, a DUI,  claiming bankruptcy and getting a "mystery call" while on vacation, he chips his tooth break dancing in the dining room. Way to go Joe!

John's take: The so-called "sweet one" is seriously losing her shit. I'm still not sure why the loss of friendship with Teresa has her all jacked up. Nervous breakdown is knocking at the door if it hasn't shown up already.  
Matt's take: Definitely the beauty of the bunch. Just when you want to cheer for her standing up for herself, shes a crying mess over losing Teresa as a friend (and such a good friend "Tre" was to her) or hearing about Ashley's new tattoos. Lay off the alcohol "Jac".


John's take: He's the guy who makes the obvious joke in all situations and thinks he is funny as hell. By the way, he IS funny as hell and by far my favorite "character".
Matt's take: I have never seen a person wish they were Italian more then Rich. He's the only guy who could still wear a polo shirt with the collar up and get away with it.


John's take: What is there to say any more? In 2020 when universities are studying the effects "Reality TV" had on the culture and their "stars", she will be the ultimate case study in how the overexposure can remove every ounce of decency out of your body.
Matt's take: I know you're expecting me to bash this wack job from outer space. But, how can you make fun of a best selling author who says "ingredientzes" and "she hurted me".

John's take: People love her as the voice of reason. I am so sick of her claiming to be the voice of reason.  I cringe when she talks all godfather-like. This season also demonstrated how her boys can do no wrong (vomit inducing) and how much she can't stand her daughter Lauren.  
Matt's take: The Warden. Mrs. Serious. The matriarch of Franklin Lakes. "We fight big and we make up big". Classic Caroline slogans. Ughh. When is the last time you saw her smile? Ummm Never. Smile Caroline, if it wasn't for the show you'd be at the Garden State Plaza mall everyday spending Albert's money holding a poodle.


John's take: I still laugh my ass off every time I hear anyone sing "On Display". I'm still trying to figure out why she is always "on display" but I guess I'll just have to trust her on that one. I do like her more than all the other women on the show.
Matt's take: I love how she can wear the skimpiest outfit and play it off like she is not "On Display". Is she the "Soul Diggaz" #1 superstar?.


John's take: Over/Under on admitting he is bi-sexual. Three months.
Matt's take: This guy just might just be the most honest of them all. Just says whatever comes to his mouth. Scary right? BTW "Tarzan",  shave that horrible 5 o'clock shadow and stop with the creepy bond you have with your sister, it makes me uncomfortable.

John's take: The true definition of a "Momma's Boy" ... and not in a good way. Borderline creepy. Congrats to getting out now Lindsey
Matt's take: Am I dreaming or was there an episode when this prima donna left law school to go into the police academy? Yeah, that was gonna last as long as his relationship with the cheerleader did.

John's take: The "goofy" one and I don't really find it endearing. May need to drink more BLK water and less beer based on that ever expanding belly.  
Matt's take: I wish he started the car wash with the girls in bikini's. What else fits this character?


John's take: Chris continues to be a man of few words but he maximizes the impact of those words. I wouldn't cross him ... EVER. I do hope he keeps the boys in line with BLK as I found myself wanting to fire them all when they traveled to DC.    
Matt's take:  My favorite of the show. Everything he says makes sense, says his piece and regrets nothing. Never gets flustered. Also never has a hair out of place. I wanna be Chris when I grow up.

John's take: A true sweetheart who I could watch say "respect" all day and night. And me thinks her food blows away Teresa's. A class act.  
Matt's take: Well said my friend. Kathy is classy and does not steal recipes and does not look like a frog Mr. Juicy Joe. However, I will say that her eyes were a bit protruding in Punta Cana saying Teresa is "Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo".

And there you have it, an analysis like no other. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the Comments section. This is important and deep stuff. Let's keep the dialogue going.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Me and the Whistler

Yes! We Are Back!

Thank you my “BFF" for bringing back what many of our fans have been waiting for, the lunch boys talking nothing but smack about the “winners” we see on a daily basis. When I say “Winners” (Or in my Bronx accent “Winnas”), I mean those shmo’s that have no reality of life and think that everything is about them. BTW, I have never used the acronym “BFF” ever.

Just to touch on a nerve for a second, in the Men’s room the other day (I know great way to kick things off), the happy go lucky dude who got in there just a step ahead of me whistled the entire session. He did his thing, whistled, walked over to the sink, whistled, put his just washed wet hands up to the little red light on the automatic paper towel dispenser, whistled, dried them off, whistled, took a quick look in the mirror to make sure he didn't have a hair out of place, smiled awkwardly to himself in the mirror to make sure he had no food in his teeth (that put a 5 second hold on the whistling) then walked out and picked up the whistling where he left off. 
Who whistles anymore in this life? Who?

I would love to know what happened to this shmo right before he came into the Men’s room to put him in such a chipper mood and decide I’m going to go into this little public room with my annoying whistling cause I’m so friggin happy today. Dope.

I will admit I was trying really hard to see if what he was whistling was at least a song I recognized but it wasn’t anything familiar that I could at least enjoy during my time spent in the same room with this “winna”. Even down to the whistling song he chose was selfish. Selfish in that it was all about him and a song only he knew that everyone else had to listen to. From now on buddy keep it to yourself, do your business and hold off on the whistling until you get home.  

Loving this blog like I love Sunday mornings during the NFL season.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Stop eating a-hole

I need this blog, I really do. 

I need to use it as an outlet when I get uncontrollably annoyed by people on a daily basis. 

I have a calm and cool demeanor on the outside, but inside, I can become infuriated with all of the dopes I witness; be it in the grocery store, on TV, walking by me on the street or reading about them on TMZ. 

So I will use this blog more often to voice my frustrations and hopefully get others to chime in on why we are right, and everyone else is wrong ... or dumb ... or a complete friggin jackass.

Today's rant originated while at lunch at Wegman's yesterday but it actually goes back to my childhood. 

We're talking deep shit here.

I cannot handle people (usually dopey dudes) who eat while they are food shopping or picking up their lunch. Seriously, you can't wait 45 seconds to pay for your food so you can then enjoy it?   

There was a guy in full business attire thinking his shit didn't stink who was browsing for his lunch options. He had like a 25 pound bag of pretzels open and he was eating out of the bag like a caged animal.

Really dude? You're that f'n hungry?

Not to mention, it will be difficult for the cashier to scan that bag now that it is open. You didn't think of that "Mr. world revolves around me" guy, did you? You're an idiot.

Most people probably don't notice this type of a-hole but these are the things that make me nuts. I can remember shopping at Pathmark as a kid with my parents and there would be a bunch of whiny brats walking around with an open box of these animal crackers:
I would beg my parents to do the same and the answer always was "no". It may have pissed me off at the time but I thank them for standing their ground. I have denied my kids the exact same request. We don't need another "pretzel guy" walking around, do we? Have some respect for the store and the people who work there.

That's all for today. I feel better.

I'm sure Matt will have a rant soon so be on the lookout for it.

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